Bible Billy
By Hanns Heinz Ewers
(Bibelbilli 1910)
Translation by Joe E. Bandel 2009
Copyright 2009 by Joe E. Bandel
Protected under United States Copyright Law as a derivative work of a foreign Author originally published prior to 1923 and now in the Public Domain.
I wandered for long hours through Browery, through Chinatown, across the ghetto, through Macaroni Street and then back to the East Side aimlessly through the endless streets. I felt like a small grain of sand driven by the wind through this immense bustle, this noisy, rushing world of iron, stone and flesh.
I am a dreamer in this giant machine of Manhattan. When my eyes become tired of the flowing, constantly changing scenery, when my ears can no longer endure the colorful noises of thousand of rushing people, I escape for awhile, go to a movie theater. There is one on every street corner.
The black and white movies are good for me. I dream and laugh over the foolish scenes, the inventive childish pranks. The movies are from Paris or from the United States. The French ones are always funny and refreshing. The American ones are always brainless, crude or narrow mindedly sentimental.
On the street was a musical band of six blonde sausages in red band uniforms. They played unbelievably bad but the crowd that pressed around them was completely indifferent. Negroes, Chinese, Slovakians, Italians, Russian Jews and Greeks stood around listening to the sounds with open mouths. A few German sailors in their Hapag uniforms proudly bellowed out the words to the song:
“You are my entire life. I kiss the ground you walk on-”
One of the uniformed sausages had his trumpet hanging on his back and was handing out red, yellow and green tickets. He was shouting in a loud abominable Yankee slang with bits of Italian and Czech mixed in. The sailors were talking to him in German.
“Walk right in! The greatest attractions in the world! Step right up, only ten cents a ticket! The greatest shows in the world! Now showing in #1, The sudden attack on the railroad at Galveston. Now showing in #2, The Adventures of Muesio Fanfardou in Paris! After that The Dream of the Flower Queen! Ten numbers in every show! One performance after another all day long and open all night!
Following each show is a performance by Bible Billy, the famous world-renowned Bible Billy! The greatest attraction of the century!”
I paid my ten cents and another five cents for the smoking section. I saw once again the last #, a movie from Paris where ten girls pursued a man. Dressed in top hat, frock coat, monocle and cane with a flower in his buttonhole, he breathlessly fled away from the sweet girls as they pursued him through streets and meadows, through forests and mountains. The chase went on through a brook and the girls were enchanting.
He climbed over walls and hedges and ran behind a nearby haystack where he ran into a chubby cheeked girl. She was the last, fell down, stood up again, tore her dress on thorns, lost her hat, but breathlessly chased after him, her clothes in shambles.
The lights came on in the theater. Someone played a hymn on the piano by the podium. A bald headed man dressed like an usher pressed through the rows handing out bibles, thick, dirty black bibles. The fellow sneezed incessantly on the bibles, unintentionally leaving traces of his own upon them.
A man stumbled up to the podium. He was smooth shaven but with stubble and pimples on his bloated face. Long strands of gray hair fell over his ears. He wore the unbecoming black garb of a non-traditional preacher. Only the ruddy nose was right. The filthy flesh was a bright spot in the colorless gray and black that overshadowed everything else.
“Bible Billy! Hello Bible Billy! Three cheers for Bible Billy!” A few fans in the audience called out.
Bible Billy took a few moments to reflect and deliberate before beginning his talk. He explained where, when and how he had been bought into this world by God fearing parents, how he had been baptized, had been the most devout in Sunday school and never took the opportunity to miss church.
For those reasons God, Blessed be his name! God had bestowed upon him the skill, power, perseverance and patience to learn his holy book by heart. He was prepared to offer a demonstration of this skill. God, The Father, The Son and Holy Ghost, had given him this ability to bring Christians together and help them to believe. He asked that after the demonstration the audience give a little donation or some pocket change. He closed his talk with a fervent prayer. Then he sat in a creaky easy chair and asked the audience to search out a favorite spot in their Bibles and call it out to him.
One called out, “4 Deuteronomy Chapter 26 verse 12.”
Bible Billy closed his eyes, leaned back in his chair and after awhile began:
“The sons of Simeon after their families: of Nemuel, the family of the Nemuelites: of Jamin, the family of the Jaminites: of Jachin, the family of the Jachinites:
Of Zerah, the family of the Zarhites: of Shaul, the family of the Shaulites.
These
are the families of the Simeonites, twenty and two thousand and two hundred.
Bible Billy didn’t move, only the swollen gray lips moved underneath the ruddy nose as a small stream of dry words spilled out.
“Of Jashub, the family of the Jashubites: of Shimron, the family of the Shimronites.
These
are the families of Issachar according to those that were numbered of them, threescore and four thousand and-”
Men and women sat speechless in the theater, almost crushed to death by this overwhelming fruitful family geneology.
“Of the sons of Manasseh: of Machir, the family of the Machirites: and Machir begat Gilead: of Gilead
come the family of the Gileadites.
These
are the sons of Gilead: of Jeezer, the family of the Jeezerites: of Helek, the family-”
Everyone was staring into their bibles and following along with their fingers on the lines. It was all correct, word for word, all of the families and all of the numbers. There was not the slightest mistake in the names of Israel.
The audience listened along curiously until one of the sailors eagerly searched through his Bible and called out:
“2 Samuel Chapter 11 verse 2!”
It was as if he had pushed an electric switch. Bible Billy became quiet a moment and then immediately began:
“And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth
to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem.
And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman
was very beautiful to look upon.”
Aha, this was the famous story of the woman, Bathsheba, wife of Uriah, the Hittite! I was curious whether this modest son of America would tell this story to his delicate audience. It appeared that the indecencies in the Bible were the only ones they were permitted to enjoy.
Grinning, Bible Billy told the story of David’s adultery and the audience grinned back with full understanding as they listened to him. Then things began to speed up in a faster tempo-
“Jeremiah Chapter 36 verse 9!”
“And it came to pass in the fifth year of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah, in the ninth month,
that they proclaimed a fast before the LORD to all the-”
“1 Corinthians Chapter 12 verse 15!”
“If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of –”
They didn’t let him complete a single verse. Everyone called out Bible passages from all sides and they whirled like brilliant jewels around his head. Immediately, almost automatically and without thinking the strange brain of this man snapped to the new passage.
Suddenly he stood up.
“Brothers and Sisters in Christ!” He said. “With your permission I would now like to knock upon your hearts as a man that has a wife and twelve children to provide for, twelve, like the tribes of Israel! For this demonstration I would like to do something very special. Would someone please choose a favorite chapter from the Gospel of Mathew?”
Someone called out, “The sixth chapter!”
“Good,” said Bible Billy. “I will say it backwards and don’t forget to give generously!”
He cleared his throat and began:
“thereof evil the is day the unto Sufficient. Itself of things the for thought take shall morrow the for-”
Meanwhile the usher went around with the offering plate and everyone gave. The entrance fee was only ten cents but I saw people now throwing entire dollars and half-dollars into the plate. While the usher took up the collection and Bible Billy said his chapter backwards I calculated what he would probably earn.
The usher would pull in well over $20 and there were at least twelve performances a day. Some of that considerable income would go to the owner and manager of the theater. Then there would be some petty costs as well.
Billy certainly made a clear profit of twelve hundred Marks every day! I know many theater managers that would be very envious of him, but they don’t know the Bible by heart!
